I hate to say this, but Indians are notoriously popular for asking two terrifically personal questions –

• BETA, KITNA KAMATE HO
• ARE YOU MARRIED? SINGLE?

The most amazingly ironical thing about life is that just when you don’t want people to ask you stuff about stuff somehow you will find fuckers who will ONLY ask you that stuff.

Why the hell would my case be different then? My own optimism amused me the other day.

Here is how it went.

I had gone with a friend for a simple cup of coffee with cake to one of the cafes. I saw an older couple sitting there, probably in their late 40s or touching 50s.

The lady kept looking at me for some reason. When such a scenario happens with me normally I reach out and say hello to end all the curiosity.

So I broke the ice saying, “You look very familiar miss, have I seen you before?”

The lady said, “No I don’t think so.” I said, “Perhaps I must have seen you in the same cafe at some point before which is why I am feeling that you look familiar.”

At this point her husband said, “No, no we have come here for the first time.” We all laughed…ah must be a just a freak coincidence ha ha ha ha ha and all that jazz.

Alright then, I guess she must be just looking at me for whatever her reasons are. Weird. Actually, somehow even this is not weird because Indians do this as well.

They just stare at you without even blinking. Next they probably want to touch you to see if you are real…I mean..wow…I just didn’t expect this is a posh cafe like that!

Out of nowhere comes the most unexpected, violating and ignoring all boundaries type bomb question,

“So are you married? Or single?”

WOW.

Lady, you just established that we do not know each other. How long have we just spoken for? Five maximum seven minutes??

My friend just looked at the lady totally startled at the ‘oblivious straightforwardness’ of her question. Then immediately his eyes came back to me; how the suspense in his eyes was visible as to how I will respond to that!

Now I have just come to a point where I don’t care what people think and take pride in my situation.

You are getting divorced, what are you gonna do? It is what it is. If you are being looked at as an outlaw, be the BEST fucking outlaw they know of!

So, with pride, in a confident loud voice, crossing my legs, leaning back on the chair, sipping my coffee casually, looking at her in the eyes, I responded with a straight face, “I am getting divorced.”

You gotta know what the size of the foot as big as an elephant’s ass looks like in someone’s mouth! You had to BE there to see her expression!!

I OWNED that moment like a fucking queen!

The blood of confidence rushed back to my cheeks, while the blood of bafoonery drained from hers.

What were you thinking when you decided to ask that question to me??

Firstly, why did you even ask me this question?

Secondly, people just assume others to be in some sort of relationship status. Sure we all are, at different levels, but how is it that people here just assume someone to be either married or single?

Thirdly, what difference does it make to you, a complete stranger, what relationship status I am in?

Why woman, why???

The husband gave her a look in the eye only she, my friend and I understood.

This might seem like a tiny stupid moment for the rest of you but BELIEVE me it is these little moments that make or break confidence when you are going through this phase. Trust me on that!

Trust me, don’t be a daft dingbat and make a royal dunderhead out of yourself by asking a question this personal to ANYONE. This is 2017. I can’t believe this shit is still happening in Delhi.

 

— Image credit: Arun Sengupta’s Site