“Men don’t grow on trees, you know!”

Such was my mother’s wisdom, imparted during session number who’s-even-counting-anymore of trying to make me see the bright side of arranged marriage.

Fine, I thought. They don’t grow on trees; any idiot middle schooler can tell you that. Look at that nice gulmohar outside my window. Lots of flowers. Zero males of any description.

But they do grow on Tinder.

And that is how I marched my date-parched self to the most popular online dating platform in use today. The worst that could happen, I thought, was that I’d run up against too many will-you-fraandship-me men.

Luckily, a year in and I’ve yet to meet any of those. I have come across a few other types though, and I’m in the mood to list them out for you. Public service and all that.

The Fuckboy

Need I even go there? I mean, when you get on an online dating platform, you can and should expect to run into any number of men looking for a good time in the sack, and in the sack only. But I wouldn’t write them off, I were you. Sometimes, when all you want is a one-night-stand, a fuckboy is your best option of getting it.

They’re confident, they’re – usually – good in bed, and it is a rare fuckboy who will be so desperate for action that he can’t understand the word “no.” All I’d say is – use protection. Use double protection actually, because if something should go wrong, this is not a guy who’s ever going to see your face again.

The Bros-Before-Hos Dude

To be honest, I’ve never met one of these. Mainly because, while I can point one out within a nanosecond, I couldn’t tell which one of the gang of guys on his profile was him. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about now, don’t you? This is the guy with nothing but photos of him – with his friends crowding up. Every. Single. Shot. Dude, unless you’re explicitly looking for an orgy with your chaddi buddies (and please say so in your bio if that’s the case), please, solo pictures only!

The Guy Who Thinks He’s on Shaadi.com

Now, I’m not saying you can’t find love on Tinder. After all, that’s why I got on it myself – I wanted to meet more men my age, and hopefully find love with one of them.

But as with any situation where you meet a stranger and decide you like them enough to let them into your pants, this requires time. Time, and luck, because it is a fact of Tinderdom – most people on it are not looking for anything very permanent.

Except these guys.

These guys who somehow think a bio proclaiming their husbandworthy-ness will somehow magically land them in a mandap, bride at the ready.

I haven’t come across many of these, but it’s hard not to cringe when I do. Go to Shaadi.com, Mister Marriage Material, please do all prospective brides a favour and get thee forthwith to Shaadi.com.

All the Hipsters Ever Go Here, Please:

Okay, so Tinder is basically hipster paradise. Hipster commune. Hipster home. Hipster what-have-you.

Seriously, one meets so many hipsters, of so many persuasions, on it, that I thought it would be easier on my fingertips if I just stuck the whole lot under one doorway.

Swipe beyond ten and you have found yourself the stoners! Swipe beyond 20, and wannabe-Nat-geo-photographers will take over your stream.

Swipe past 40, and the musicians come out in full force. Swipe past sixty, and…but no. My first sapiosexual was actually swipe number two. Take THAT for effect.

The Guy You Really Should Have Added on Facebook

The best thing about Tinder, for me, is that it lets me tap into my friends’ and acquaintances’ circles, but showing me how many first and second level mutual friends I have with every guy on my screen.

I’ll be honest – I have rarely swiped right on a guy with whom I had zero connections. It’s a safety thing with me; I like running a bit of a background check on my online men before I date them twice.

I don’t want to end up dating an axe-murderer. Or worse, someone with a wife and three kids.

But every now and then, I’ll come across someone with whom I have so many connections, it’s a bypassed miracle that we haven’t met in real life yet.

And at that point, I just tend to lament my fate and swipe right with fervent prayers. If he’s cute, of course. (What? We all objectify on Tinder, don’t you deny it! I shan’t believe you. No one will believe you.)

The Totally Hunky Yet Utterly Brainless Fellow

This is just mathematical, folks. You’re in Manland.

There will be many gorgeous men to swipe right on. If it stands to reason that a fair percentage will be intelligent and nerdy and all the rest of that shizz, it also stands to reason that a fair percentage will be the total opposite.

But we all know how hard it is to resist a cute face and a sweet attitude, so all I’ll say is - only date this one if you have the patience of a bodhisattva. Else, avoid

The Skittybag:

Okay, so this type annoys me. Oh. So. Much. If you haven’t the guts to meet this girl you’ve been flirt-chatting at, boy, why the heck are you on an app that makes its bread and butter off arranging meetings between otherwise un-meet-y people?

If you’ve never come across this type of guy, count yourself fortunate. They’re usually extremely interesting, like wedding-bells-in-thine-ears interesting. Except they’re all hot talk, and a puff of smoke when the time comes to meet. If I was a less practical woman, I’d think I’d just had actual proof of the existence of genies.

The Damaged Nice Guy

Ohhhh, dear. Oh dear, dear, dear.

This is really the point where I should put up flashing neon lights and tell you to go on red alert.

This is the one guy you do not want to bump against on Tinder. Or anywhere actually, but it’s worse on Tinder, because I swear to all the gods of Asgard and Indralok too, there is no man on earth more appealing than the one who looks at you with gorgeous puppy-eyes and the nicest, sweetest smile ever, and tells you that he thinks you’re great – and he wants to see you again – but he’s not ready for a relationship.

Yet.

Listen to that yet, ladies (and gentlemen). Listen to it and flee for the hills. I’m not going to issue any more warning than that – chances are, you’ve already dated five of these, and will recklessly date five more before you join their ranks, a damaged, loveless soul for all the rest of eternity.

The Genuine Article

Insert dreamy sigh here, please.

I’m certain this type of guy exists, or I wouldn’t still be wading through waves and waves of unsuitable suitors of the various types listed above, but I do have one tiny request to make of him.

You know, I’m pretty sure we all have that same tiny request to make of him. So, let’s clear our throats, and give it our best go. Ready? Steady? Say it with me now – show up already!

And so ends my saga of sweeping generalizations.

Most of them are true. Really. But I’m still on Tinder and I’m aware that I haven’t yet run through the entire gamut of men waiting around on it, so please – if you’ve got a certain type you’ve come up against and I haven’t – do tell me below.