Being a movie enthusiast last Friday I bought tickets for the Blade Runner 2049.

Instead I got out of the hall after watching “kaanti shah k angoor”.

Wait, what?

I was expecting some action on screen but the horny couple sitting next to made sure that I satisfactorily watched some cheap quality live porn.

It’s not that I am not interested in porn but it’s just that I paid 300 bucks to watch Ryan Gosling’s awesome acting (Ahh, whom am I kidding? Of course his smokin hot body) and not that desi porn.

Some might consider it acceptable in a shadowy, secluded corner of the cinema hall, but we can honestly assure you that watching a sloppy make-out session bang in the middle of the theatre is not we paid good money for.

Whether it be a sweet peck on the lips, an under the shirt boob grab or a full-on, sloppy make out session, theater hanky panky comes in all shapes and sizes, and at any given point on a Friday night, chances are there’s at least one couple inside every multiplex going to town on one another.

For those involved in that sloppiness, it’s obviously all fun and games, but for those unfortunate souls unlucky enough to be seated in the immediate vicinity, the mouth wrestling can be pretty damn distracting.

For god’s sake guys stop acting like Make-out machines.

Also, if you know well that you’re going to do some serious kissing for segments of the film, sit near the back in one of the corners.

Your fellow theatergoers are far more likely to figure out what you’re up to if you’re sitting in front of them thanks to how peripheral vision works. If you have a problem with that, tell science to go fuck itself, not me.

In general, I’m always down with consenting humans engaging in a little horseplay, but when you’re inside an enclosed space with other paying customers, there has to be some ground rules.

We can’t have people dropping their pants and going at it in weird positions in the middle of the eighth row during the last ten minutes of The Usual Suspects.

And dude, even if you wish to have a little fun with your partner then at least keep things relatively tame. You are in public, after all. Some mild OTP-action might be acceptable, but leave the naked-er stuff for the bedroom. Unless you’re at a Bollywood porn screening, don’t expect the whole karma sutra.

Cinema sex is limited to jazz hands, oral (if you don’t mind kneeling on popcorn kernels) and bouncy bouncy on the lappy - a creepy image I almost feel I should take back…but won’t. Deviate from this and you WILL get caught.

So keep it vanilla and leave your strap-on at home.

In a country like India where loving itself is restricted I won’t completely blame the couples exchanging their saliva at the corner seats because where else would they go?

There are no government approved adult parks and if they do kiss in public parks then the fellow aunties and auncles start acting as “bharat ki sabhyata k rakshak”.

I believe making out in a movie theatre is an art.

In fact I believe that sometimes even boob and ass grabbing is acceptable but, then the problem is that the action never stops there, because Hum to ruk jaein par hormones kahan rukne vale hain!

So, for such over- excited – horny- couples, I would sincerely suggest you to get a room. Did anyone say ROOM? Tadaaaa.. Stay Uncle to your rescue. Promotional stuff? Hell yeah, because our country needs it badly!

 

— Image credit: theodysseyonline.com