Period: Guess who is back again?
Me: Ugh…can we not do this today?
Period: I can come back in 9 months
Me: Keep fucking singing.
Even if you haven’t so much as glanced at a penis, when your period is late, most people are quick to jump to the conclusion that they’re pregnant.
Of course, the ability to create human life is probably the coolest thing about having a uterus but it can also be pretty scary if you have no interest in utilizing it — something that becomes glaringly obvious once you do the math, and realize you should be bleeding but aren’t.
A moment of panic may arise. For me, the proverbial stork immediately comes to mind, arriving at the door like an unordered pizza with a pooping, crying, ravenous little gremlin in tow.
It all begs the question: Where did my bloody monthly bill run off to? I can feel something weird in my tummy..is that a baby? Dude am I pregnant??
And even if you didn’t actually have sex, your batshit-insane brain can’t help but make up some absurd story about how you might have accidentally sat on some dried semen on a subway seat or something horrific like that and now you are magically pregnant for no reason.
You are ready to accept the idea that you are the second coming of Mary and you are with Divine Child rather than just be calm about the whole thing. The stages of delayed periods be like:
Day 1- this is glorious, no red volcano of blood and sad feelings erupting from my vagina.
Day 2- beauty
Day 3- ok wtf is happening?
Day 4- Fuck mother nature, where are you..
Day 5- Am I pregnant?
Day 6- *googles* early signs of pregnancy?
Day 7- Well I am virgin, so hello there Jesus..
My period cannot be late for even just a single day without me freaking out and figuring out my financial plan to prepare for motherhood.
And it’s not just me, I think all ladies would agree with me because hum sab behno ka dard ek hai!!
Those bleeding days of month are not comforting either. Day 4 of my period and I am like, LOL settle down now.
I get it. I am not pregnant. It’s funny how the phrase is “on your period’. Like you are on a drug. Probably because it makes you insane and at the same time Oooo..brownies!
Well, there are actually a whole host of reasons your period might be late, skip, or suddenly become less frequent, that have nothing to do with diapers.
But we ladies tend to ignore the real cause by stuffing our mind with stupid pregnancy stuff.
Dude, if you guy’s penis has never visited your motherly canal then there is no way that you are pregnant. So, stop fooling yourself by these irrational thoughts of pregnancy when the most intimate thing you’ve ever done is shake hands?
So ladies, don’t go peeing on a stick as soon as you miss your period the next time. Instead, visit a gynecologist to know your body better.