Well, because I said that the rabbit hole goes deeper, let’s just take the plunge now.

Let me introduce you to the next smart ass of this story.

Am I being arrogant and cocky? Absolutely!

He was found on one of those marriage websites, NRI guy, settled abroad, qualified, earning, established etc etc.

He contacted my profile and we exchanged numbers. We started to communicate through Whatsapp. Well, that was the initial plan.

Do ghante ho gaye, baat chali. Kuch toh baat hui.

Seemed ok, talked well (as usual). We talked about where he lives, his work, he cooked really well apparently. Then we went on about various other things, aspects of life, cultures.

Not bad, I am thinking. Dude has a spectrum of making conversations. I like that about a guy.

Then we started talking about people. Soon the conversation shifted to clothes. Don’t ask me how the hell that happened. I am still asking that question myself.

“Do you wear dresses?” he asked.

“Hain? Ye kaisa sawal hai?” I thought, stumped. It just came out of the blue.

“Um…a…yeaaa sure,” I said, in a tone that was turning out to be more like a question instead.

“Women here look really nice in tight dresses. I like tight dresses on women too, I am sure you will look really good in them,”

We went on to have a fifteen minute discussion on that.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the pervert.

Wow! What the..? I suddenly felt like his eyes popped out from the screen of the phone and scanned me from top to bottom like a personal space invader.

I was trying to pick up my jaw from the floor by that time.

Arre bhai, do ghante nahi hue baat kiye, itne bhi kya desperate ho? Pehli baar ladki se baat kar rahe ho kya? You are bloody thirty four who lives in a European country and you are talking like a sex starved teenager who can’t contain himself!?

I managed to dodge the conversation left and right. After feeling totally violated in that brief moment, I politely excused myself from the conversation.

I blocked his ass and shut my phone off, as if he was looking at me right through the screen! That was a level 10 creepiness that guys really need to NEVER do to a woman!

Chalo, some more dumbassery ahead.

Let’s just skip past the hi-hello etc etc formalities narrative. He stayed close to my house so we decided to meet at a nearby cafe.

So far meeting has been going on alright.

He is well dressed too, likes similar music to mine. Not bad at all. Speaks in a very polished way as well. Interesting, I thought. Crisp clothing, clean shoes, done up hair too (better than mine!!).

Now that I had been superficial much and done my observatory things it is time to get to business.

At this point I would allow the guys to talk, because the more they talk the more I know how deep in the water they stand. Well, this one was about to drown.

“I am a very smart guy hunh. I can tell when a woman is lying to me.”

“Excuse me?” I muttered.

“No, I don’t want to sound weird or anything, I am just saying this so you know that I can’t be taken for-granted.” He declared.

Way to go man! Spill some more!

“I am a very possessive guy. I would not like my wife to have guy friends. It’s weird. “

“Why? You don’t have any chick friends?” I enquired.

“I do, but I would not like my wife to be talking to guys over the phone, actually it’s weird even if her girl friends call more than once a day. HA HA HA but I am not that possessive HA HA HA!”

He was the only one laughing.

“So I will be visiting my parents every week after my marriage; I would like to look after them as well. “ I casually informed.

“Why? What is the need?” he asked, in a tone that left me befuddled more than anything else, because he seemed pretty genuine about his question!

“What is the need? What do you mean what is the need?” I asked.

“Yaar, I don’t want to sound crude, you can visit them, but it shouldn’t be a half hearted marriage.”

Are you actually permitting me to visit them? If I visit my parents it is a half hearted marriage??? Are you serious? Wait, are you a human being?

“I am okay with you working so you would not have to worry about that.” He said.

Un-frigging-believable.

“Normally my sister used to come home by 8, so I am not saying that my wife should or shouldn’t, I am just saying na.”

Acha ji, aur bataye, kaho to ladki ke gale ke liye patta bhi le aayen shaadi me?

“But you know, the problem is I have lot of guy friends, more than chick friends I have guy friends. We party a lot. I can’t quit my social circle na?” I said with a helpless smile on my face.

The colour on his face started changing. “I come home around 2:00 or 3:00 am so many times, I can’t stop that either, I will not take my husband’s permission to live my life na? “

“I like to drink also na so if I pass out who will bring me home??”

I was just blabbering and trolling him now to enjoy the look on his kaleidoscopic face.

“What are you saying?” He asked feeling totally offended (I wonder why).

What I am saying is dear marriage prospect, why don’t you just get a cow? Tie a bell around her neck, so even if she breathes you will know. Tie her to the door so she can’t go anywhere. She will have no need to visit her family also because come on, naturally, she is a cow! She will have some friends but hey, they are cows too!! Everything seems to fit the bill, and you will feel like you are the man of the house!

Simple solution na?

 

- Image credit: desinema.com